henrythehuck’s blog

Long distance calls, counting change to pick up the phone.
several beers and the change I get back, stored for the walk to the payphone. 
Talking on the phone is all I want to do but you do not answer.  I wonder what you are doing, imagine that you are sleeping or working or picking up the phone, looking at the number, knowing that number is the payphone for a bar that I have called from before.  Cell phones give me away so I call from obscure locations, hoping to catch you off guard.
You answer, what do I say to you?  I want to tell you that all I do is think of you and wish we were closer, that's not what comes out.  I ask how your doin'? I get one worded answers, "fine".  I feel stifled, my thought process ceases to exist.

dialtone

Why can't I talk?

The warmth of sun rays beating down my sweaty face. I think I am a fool for running, hoping that my nightmares will not follow.  They are all thoughts I conjured up from my past, from images I have seen, glimpses, reflections in windows I walk by. 
I am a fool.
They are my own.

free falling into oblivion, praying for a soft landing
knowing you will break every bone in your body if you land now.
what do you have to ease the pain? A parachute? HA!

I want to let go, I know it is best.
I can't, I don't know how. I can deal with a push, a prying of fingers from the bar.
At least that brings certain inevitability.
But me consciously letting go.

I guess I have never had to before and I don't want the responsibility

letting go.....now

A distant memory keeps lingering
Today I did not answer my phone. I fear that any conversation I have will topple my world. I think sometimes that I am alone in my thoughts. But you are here. You are always here. I think it is over and you are gone but....you show yourself. You kiss my forehead and tell me it is okay, time will make it better. Comfort for the moment as I have to wake and the reality is, it is not okay. Even though the phone rings, I do not answer. My world still topples, it does not need my blessing or even my witness to fall.
it rings over and over.....

it is over

I hear the words, the lyrics coming from my headphones.
I feel connected to you somehow, every song you sing has a deeply seeded meaning to me.
How come you know me so well? Why is it I sing along and feel the pain and anguish you must have felt at the moment of conception. No one knows me like you do.
Some of the lyrics burn and some help smother the pain.
I am never quite sure of the ground I stand on and neither are you.
You are my soul mate.
It has just occurred to me. It all makes sense!

I love you! Do you here my anguish match yours?

I take off the headphones as I walk into my house. No soul mate to greet me, just reminiscence of a love past and lost.

To be with someone that you shouldn't be with, you suddenly don't know wrong from right.
The crime is building, you are setting the stage for pain, for pleasure fleeting as it maybe, It has been along time since those feelings flooded your soul, coursed through your veins. You have the moment and you move in for a kiss.

Heart breaking at the exact time.
You know this was wrong, that this will not lead to anything but uneasiness and guilt.
You don't apologize.
Why should you?
She kissed you back.

Think about that moment, what could you have done different.

Nothing.

It was a reminder of that feeling, the burning that coursed through your veins in that instance before. Still exists.

You now know that you have a chance at living again.

I want to live again

A flash of light, pupils take time....Dilation....takes time

I no longer sleep at night, I lay awake praying to sleep.  I roll around, hoping that a spot on the bed will fill the void that keeps me awake.  My thoughts constantly win.  I cannot turn them off.  They know this and wander more into the depths of hell.
I have no control, I am the vessel that must lay here, taking it all.
I turn on the TV hoping to drown the pain, the loneliness that has taken over. Commercials, ads for lonely people are all that fill the airwaves at 3am.  Leno has gone home so has Conan.  All that i have left is some scantily clad girl holding a cell phone with promises of great talk and the presumption that a relationship could follow.

It used to work.
not anymore.

I see you sitting in the corner, reading your newspaper, I have walked by you before and thought to myself, wow, you are beautiful.  I am ordering my third coffee of the day and I come to this shop because I like the people watching.  I sit 3 tables away and catch myself staring.  I'm not staring at you but the atmosphere around.  It is darker than the average coffee shop and I have anonymity here.  I glance over to you and you are adjusting your self in your seat.  I wonder what your reason is for this dark existence.  Is it the poor lighting or the people that come through that draw you here?  Do you watch people over your paper, do you want to meet me too?
You look up and catch my stare.  I look away because I am embarrassed that I was caught.  I look back and you are still looking at me but you smile lightly and look back to your paper.  I wonder what your voice sounds like, is it angelic?  Do you have a lyrical tone, I can imagine that.  Your brown hair, falls around the frame of your face and I cant help but wonder if it would be rude to walk over and push the hair behind your ear, explain myself by saying that your face is to beautiful to hide.

Then walk away

I want to be brilliant, in all my glory. I dream of being a great person that people want to know.  I want to be in the know, so I can decline your invitation to parties and to sleep with me. I want to be the envy of everyone.  I want to be the one people say, hey is Huck coming?  if so when will she arrive, because she is the reason I showed up.  I want to say Im too busy with prior engagements to bother with this party....

I want to be invited

Fumbling through the day
looking for mutual friendship
equal ground
why do my relationships seem to be dominant vs me
I want someone that has the same footing as me.
no one is smarter, better.
Misunderstood....intentions good
Cupid hit us with the same arrow....

No longer the fool